| I have told a few people that for Lent I gave up caring. Although this is partly true, there is much more to this. I feel I am learning and beginning to live the difference between happiness and joy. I have always felt that I am a happy person, as my life has been great and I have had very little difficulty in accomplishing my goals. I now know that happiness is circumstantial. For the last two years, my career choice has not made me very happy. I am often physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, and upset at many of my circumstances. The things that kids say and do frustrate me, and the workload gives me a sense of hopelessness. I feel like I have people fighting me from all directions- from the administration above and the children below me, and even the occasional parent. At the end of my rope, and contemplating giving up completely (which would have created a nasty situation), I decided to give up caring for Lent. I decided that I didn't care what kids said to me, what they did, if they failed or not, whether the administration thought I was a good teacher or not, and whether the parents felt that I was correct when I disciplined their child. The criticism, bad days, and workload kept coming, but I just mentally shrugged. I did my job, don't get me wrong, but at the end of the day I left it all at school and did my best to forget that those people even exist. I tried to reconnect with myself and my husband, as well as with my friends and family. Instead of pouring all of my love and energy into my job, which I sometimes consider a bottomless pit that gives very little in return, I poured my love and energy into my husband, my family, my friends, and myself. Initially it was very hard and I felt guilty. Teachers are supposed to care for their kids and dedicate their entire life to their profession, right? It seems like in order to be the Disney teacher of the year, you must have a deep love and devotion to teenagers and spend every waking moment making lesson plans, leaving personal comments on graded papers, developing lab activities and purchasing all of the supplies for them out of your own pocket. I tried to do it all, and when I physically couldn't, I felt like a failure. In many ways, I still do. I had to give up this feeling as well. What I learned surprised me. Instead of becoming a heartless, closed void like I thought, I felt relief and joy. Joy is happiness in spite of circumstances. In spite of the daily "mess" I was having to put up with, I was still at peace with my self and my life. This job is temporary... these kids will move on to torture someone else (or hopefully mature) and my life will still be good no matter where my circumstances take me. I may never be happy with the actions that these kids do, or the attitudes that they have, but I do have the choice to keep being me, not let them get to me, and keep my joy in spite. |
